<Siddhartha> 讀後感

六月新買的 Kindle，看的第一本書就選了<Siddhartha>，中文翻譯做<流浪者之歌>。本想留著在生日當天讀完，還有做遍所有最喜歡的活動：聽音樂畫畫、做瑜伽、跳舞、打排球、逛街、和家裡的貓玩，當作幫自己慶祝過了這充滿焦慮、不安、失序，但也是心智成長茁壯的一年。沒有預料到的是，前一天有球團朋友準備的蛋糕，還有當天怡如籌備的晚餐，邀了一些好朋友來家裡聊天、享受美食，第一次過生日如此飄飄然，只能用受寵若驚四個字形容，還有很多人情必須慢慢還。

會知道<Siddhartha>這本書是聽 podcast<電扶梯走左邊>訪問 Alyssa Tsai 分享她最喜歡的書，讀了之後，這本書也快速躍升成我最喜歡的書之一。感覺是解答了我很多心裡長久的疑問，可以時時重溫來提醒自己不要迷失在世界的遊戲中、不要因為表面而失去了人生最真實本質的東西。

故事的主軸是描寫主角 Siddhartha 在古老的印度追求道的三個歷程：年輕的 Siddhartha 為了追尋虛無縹緲的自我，毅然決然地放棄以往的學習，同時也放棄了他的親情與友情離家成為苦行侶。但他只是放棄而不是放下，進入城市遇到美麗的 Kamala 並歷經人世七情六慾、和兒子分離後，Siddhartha 內心的聲音被喚醒，最後明白求道的最後就是放下。懂得放下後，原本他年輕時拋棄的世界卻變得如此可親、可愛。Siddhartha 最後選擇當渡船夫，與歷史的長河一起聆聽世俗的悲歡離合，雖然仍處塵世，但是卻已超然物外。

人間的遊戲

剛進入城市的 Siddhartha 還保留著苦行僧的技能：禁食。當被城裡最有錢的商人問到他有什麼能力，他的答案是禁食，商人無法理解禁食能夠帶來什麼幫助，於是 Siddhartha 回答：

“It is very good, sir. When a person has nothing to eat, fasting is the smartest thing he could do. When, for example, Siddhartha hadn’t learned to fast, he would have to accept any kind of service before this day is up, whether it may be with you or wherever, because hunger would force him to do so. But like this, Siddhartha can wait calmly, he knows no impatience, he knows no emergency, for a long time he can allow hunger to besiege him and can laugh about it. This, sir, is what fasting is good for.”

仔細想想，其實很多事情都需要耐心的能力，並不侷限於禁食：有耐心能等待好的工作機會、適合的人出現，而不是急切的找當下能獲得的將就；有耐心的找到更圓滿的解決方案，而不是用最簡單最快速的解決方法。

脫離苦行僧不久的 Siddhartha，看待城裡的人們不管窮人有錢人男人女人，都像是孩子，看他們為了世俗小事痛苦，他愛卻也同時鄙夷身旁的人們：

He saw mankind going through life in a childlike or animal-like manner, which he loved and also despised at the same time. He saw them toiling, saw them suffering, and becoming gray for the sake of things which seemed to him to entirely unworthy of this price, for money, for little pleasures, for being slightly honored, he saw them scolding and insulting each other, he saw them complaining about pain at which a Samana would only smile, and suffering because of deprivations which a Samana would not feel.

但漸漸的，隨著財富越來越多、在城裡待得越久，染上飲酒作樂的惡習後，他變得越來越像自己曾經鄙夷的人們：

Just slowly, among him growing riches, Siddhartha had assumed something of the childlike people’s ways for himself, something of their childlikeness and of their fearfulness. And yet, he envied them, envied them just the more, the more similar he became to them. He envied them for the one thing that was missing from him and that they had, the importance they were able to attach to their lives, the amount of passion in their joys and fears, the fearful but sweet happiness of being constantly in love.

Those features of discontent, of sickliness, of ill-humour, of sloth, of a lack of love. Slowly the disease of the soul, which rich people have, grabbed hold of him.

人間的遊戲 Siddhartha 玩得透徹，真實的人生卻離他越來越遠，一轉眼Siddhartha 也老了不少，荒謬的中年對他來說變成一場惡夢甚至令人作嘔：

Doing lots of things which were only a game, of, though being happy and feeling joy at times, real life still passing him by and not touching him.

The sleepless man wished to free himself of these pleasures, these habits and all of this pointless life and himself, in an immense burst of disgust.

There were no more goals, there was nothing left but the deep, painful yearning to shake off this whole desolate dream, to spit out this stale wine, to put an end to this miserable and shameful life.

人生之路必須自己經歷，而所有經歷都是好的

絕望中的 Siddhartha 想起年輕時曾經遇到的聖人 Gotama，大部分的人都像落葉，轉黃後隨風飄散。但有些人像星星，走他們自己路，沒有風能吹動他們。當年摯友 Govinda 就是選擇跟隨 Gotama，Siddhartha 卻覺得無法從聖人的指導中得道，拋下摯友踏上自己的旅途：

Nobody will obtain salvation by means of teachings!

Not to seek other, better teachings, for I know there are none, but to depart from all teachings and all teachers and to reach my goal by myself or to die.

Searching means: having a goal. But finding means: being free, being open, having no goal.

Wisdom which a wise man tries to pass on to someone always sounds like foolishness.

Teachings are no good for me, they have no hardness, no softness, no colors, no edges, no smell, no taste, they have nothing but words. Perhaps it are these which keep you from finding peace, perhaps it are the many words. Because salvation and virtue as well, Sansara and Nirvana as well, are mere words. There is no thing which would be Nirvana; there is just the word Nirvana.

這時候的 Siddhartha 還是心高氣傲，但當他經歷了中年失意、拋下一切財產來到河邊的時候，他卻轉念一想，覺得這一切很值得，因為沒有人能幫你經歷、試誤人生，所有經歷都是好的，所有的經文教條唯有自己經歷過一遍才懂箇中滋味。

To get a taste of everything for oneself, which one needs to know. That lust for the world and riches do not belong to the good things, I have already learned as a child. I have known it for a long time, but I have experienced only now. And now I know it, don’t just know it in my memory, but in my eyes, in my heart, in my stomach. Good for me, to know this!

Too much knowledge had held him back, too many holy verses, too many sacrificial rules, to much self-castigation, so much doing and striving for that goal! Full of arrogance, he had been, always the smartest, always working the most, always one step ahead of all others, always the knowing and spiritual one, always the priest or wise one. Into being a priest, into this arrogance, into this spirituality, his self had retreated, there it sat firmly and grew, while he thought he would kill it by fasting and penance. Now he saw it and saw that the secret voice had been right, that no teacher would ever have been able to bring about his salvation. Therefore, he had to go out into the world, lose himself to lust and power, to woman and money.

Everything is good, everything is perfect, everything is Brahman. Therefore, I see whatever exists as good, death is to me like life, sin like holiness, wisdom like foolishness, everything has to be as it is, everything only requires my consent, only my willingness, my loving agreement, to be good for me, to do nothing but work for my benefit, to be unable to ever harm me. I have experienced on my body and on my soul that I needed sin very much, I needed lust, the desire for possessions, vanity, and needed the most shameful despair, in order to learn how to give up all resistance, in order to learn how to love the world, in order to stop comparing it to some world I wished, I imagined, some kind of perfection I had made up, but to leave it as it is and to love it and to enjoy being a part of it.

怎麼愛人？

離開城市到河邊跟著朋友當擺渡人的 Siddhartha 老來得子，歡喜之餘他犯的錯誤是極力的想愛、保護意外獲得的親生兒子，直到好友點醒他，Siddhartha 沒辦法透過溺愛兒子來保護他，把不適合一起生活的兒子綁在身邊，只是製造彼此的痛苦，只能讓兒子自己到世界上闖出一條路：

“Would you actually believe that you had committed your foolish acts in order to spare your son from committing them too? And could you in any way protect your son from Sansara? How could you? By means of teachings, prayer, admonition? finding his path for himself? Would you think, my dear, anybody might perhaps be spared from taking this path? That perhaps your little son would be spared, because you love him, because you would like to keep him from suffering and pain and disappointment? But even if you would die ten times for him, you would not be able to take the slightest part of his destiny upon yourself.”

“Don’t you shackle him with your love? Don’t you make him feel inferior every day, and don’t you make it even harder on him with your kindness and patience? Don’t you force him, the arrogant and pampered boy, to live in a hut with two old banana-eaters, to whom even rice is a delicacy, whose thoughts can’t be his, whose hearts are old and quiet and beats in a different pace than his? Isn’t forced, isn’t he punished by all this?”

儘管 Siddhartha 理智上知道他不應該綁著兒子，但是他對兒子的愛勝過理智，他害怕失去兒子，因為他從來沒有這樣用全心全力愛過一個人：

This was a knowledge he could not act upon, stronger than the knowledge was his love for the boy, stronger was his tenderness, his fear to lose him. Had he ever lost his heart so much to something, had he ever loved any person thus, thus blindly, thus sufferingly, thus unsuccessfully, and yet thus happily?

He had never been able to lose or devote himself completely to another person, to forget himself, to commit foolish acts for the love of another person; never he had been able to do this, and this was, as it had seemed to him at that time, the great distinction which set him apart from the childlike people. But now, since his son was here, now he, Siddhartha, had also become completely a childlike person,

最後 Siddhartha 認清事實，兒子跑回城市後儘管傷心欲絕，他卻能放下了，也能理解那些曾經他視為世俗的人們，因為傷痛讓他終於能同理：

His desire was foolish, which had made him go up to this place, that he could not help his son, that he was not allowed to cling him. Deeply, he felt the love for the run-away in his heart, like a wound, and he felt at the same time that this wound had not been given to him in order to turn the knife in it, that it had to become a blossom and had to shine.

He now looked upon people, less smart, less proud, but instead warmer, more curious, more involved.

He understood them, he understood and shared their life, which was not guided by thoughts and insight, but solely by urges and wishes, he felt like them.

Ridiculous aspects were no longer ridiculous to him, became understandable, became lovable, even became worthy of veneration to him. The blind love of a mother for her child, the stupid, blind pride of a conceited father for his only son, the blind, wild desire of a young, vain woman for jewelry and admiring glances from men, all of these urges, all of this childish stuff, all of these simple, foolish, but immensely strong, strongly living, strongly prevailing urges and desires were now no childish notions for Siddhartha any more.

最後 Siddhartha 學會了怎麼愛人、愛這個世界而不囿於值念：

Love seems to me to be the most important thing of all. To thoroughly understand the world, to explain it, to despise it, may be the thing great thinkers do. But I’m only interested in being able to love the world, not to despise it, not to hate it and me, to be able to look upon it and me and all beings with love and admiration and great respect.”

過去的這一年，經歷了回到台灣在醫院奔波、回到美國感受冬天的役情、在過年前夕接到媽媽過世的消息、過年前再度趕回台灣、隔離完的第一天早上舉行了喪禮，隔天再驅車到高雄送媽媽回家、在台灣度過一段正常的生活、台灣疫情爆發一週後我又回到了美國。整個過程都沒有時麼預警、因為很多不確定性而難以計劃，焦慮之際只能順應，我體會到了人生沒有什麼一定，很多事情不是努力就可以達成，太多的 it depends。於是沒有絕對的好也沒有絕對的壞，很多事情只能改變心態。這一年讓我少了很多年輕一點時的傲氣和衝勁，但多了一份同理、圓融、從容。就像是書裡的 Siddhartha 年輕時看輕世俗，但在他老了、經歷過了世俗的痛苦後，世界反而可親起來，也多了一份對旁人的體諒和包容。人生唯有隆轟烈烈的哭過笑過才算是人生，一帆風順的人生要逃避現實很簡單，只需要視而不見，但是要在風雨中走的瀟灑自如，卻是一種智慧和挑戰。

新的一歲，期許自己凡事都勇敢嘗試，不要再未經跟他人確認就妄下定論、多往下想一個層面，多一點智慧，人生也許就能一步步走向心目中更理想的狀態。所以不要害怕時間流逝、不要害怕被拒絕，也不要害怕拒絕不適合自己的（儘管有多誘人），好好把握時光，珍惜身邊真心的朋友。